I just tried to purge and all I did was peed my pants. I feel so let down by my body. It wouldn’t give up the food I ate. So what did I do instead? I ate 6 laxatives to force the food out of my body.
I use to see a dietitian. She works out of a hospital. I don’t see her anymore because I didn’t do what she requested of me. I couldn’t bring myself to eat the food she wanted me to nor could I cut down on the exercise. She wanted me to be on a 2000 calorie a day diet with meat, bread, fruits, and veggies. So I stopped going so I wouldn’t waste her time.
That is my feeling, I feel like I am a waste of people’s time and effort. That’s why I want to die. If I can’t commit suicide then I can starve myself to death. Thanks for reading this.
If you feel like killing yourself, I would like you to immediately go to the nearest emergency room for help. I don’t want you to die. You are a valuable person with much to do with your life once you get your fight with food resolved.
Even if you don’t do everything your therapist or dietitian recommended, continue to see these professionals. They can help you where I cannot. I don’t have access to your medical record. Call the dietitian you have been working with and pick up the thread of where you are now. Doesn’t matter where you were when you left off with your dietitian, it matters that you have the commitment to get healthy. You don’t have to live up to professional’s expectations. You are the important person in your process.
Maybe your body is trying to tell you something? It wants nourishment and you need to give it food. Some progress is still progress. Even 1000 calories are better than fewer calories and 2000 may be the goal that you can work towards.
You need to reduce the number of binges and purges as well as your laxative use before you do permanent damage to your body. I do not mean all or nothing, I mean reduce until you can give up this anchor (purging and laxatives) that is dragging you to down and is unhealthy. The issue is not food and you can only address psychological issues with your psychologist.
Perhaps you need a plan so that you don’t feel so down towards yourself on weekends. Why not discuss that with your therapist?
